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  “I know.” Jack leaned back against the sofa again, pulling Tyler with him.

  “So, where does that leave us?” What he wanted was for Jack to say he’d realised he was ready after all, but Jack’s reservations about getting close to someone again ran far too deep to be erased after a couple of dates and an orgasm. Tyler wasn’t stupid. But he was impulsive.

  Jack said quietly, “I don’t want to think of what we just did as a mistake—”

  “Me neither.” That was the last thing Tyler wanted.

  “But—” Jack held onto him when Tyler went to move away. Tyler hated that fucking word with a passion. “—let me finish, please. As hot as it was—and believe me, I don’t regret it for a second—I don’t think we should do it again.”

  Tyler froze. “Ever?”

  “I know it’s another fucking cliché, and I seem to be one big cliché these days, but it really is me and not you.” He still held Tyler tight against him, and Tyler forced himself to stop and think about what Jack was saying and not immediately take offense as he wanted to. Maybe Jack was telling the truth and it wasn’t about him. As far as Tyler was aware, Jack had always been honest with him so far, brutally so at times, but wasn’t that what Tyler had wanted, honesty at all costs? Was he being selfish now for not taking Jack’s words seriously?

  He needed a drink and to get some clothes on. Jack was right. This wasn’t a conversation they should have while half-naked and covered in drying come. “Okay. Why don’t you go clean up in the bathroom, and I’ll make us a coffee?”

  Jack shifted so he could meet Tyler’s gaze. “And then?”

  Tyler sighed. Again. He needed to stop that. “And then we can talk.”

  “Okay.”

  Chapter Seven

  Jack sat waiting for him when Tyler came back in with two coffees. Tyler looked warily at Jack as he stopped next to the sofa. Hard to believe what they’d been doing less than twenty minutes ago.

  “I forgot to ask how you take it. I’ve added milk, but—”

  “That’s fine. I don’t have sugar.” Jack smiled and reached for the mug Tyler offered. God, why couldn’t he have enjoyed the afterglow of a great orgasm like any normal bloke would have done? Jack hadn’t meant for this to happen, but he’d got swept up in excitement of having someone look at him in the way Tyler looked at him, as though he was sexy and hot, and Jack had wanted that so badly. The thrill of being touched and kissed overrode his reticence. And it had been glorious. Afterwards, though….

  Tyler sat and set his own mug down on the coffee table. “So—”

  “Can I go first? I think I need to clear a couple of things up.”

  Jack meant it when he said too much honesty did more harm than good. If he told Tyler how wrong he’d felt after the glow of orgasm faded, how weird it was to open his eyes and see Tyler instead of Simon, he couldn’t imagine there would be anything left to talk about. After all this time, Simon still managed to fuck with him. Sometimes Jack hated him more than anything in the world, then at others…. That was why he needed to go slow, sort things out in his head before diving into another relationship. If Simon continued to dominate his thoughts like this, how could he make room for someone else?

  But he didn’t want to let Tyler go either.

  Tyler nudged him, and Jack realised with a start he’d been lost in thought for too long. “Sorry.” He took a sip of his coffee. How truthful did he want to be? “I think it’s fair to say I like you and I’m attracted to you.” Tyler smiled, and though the smile was smaller than usual, Jack was still relieved to see it. “But—”

  Tyler huffed out a laugh. “You have no idea how much I hate that word.”

  Jack nodded. He did too.

  “I love you, Jack, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

  Yeah, it was a shitty word. Jack needed to choose his words more carefully. “Okay. How about this…? I like you, I want to keep seeing you, and as selfish as it is, I want it to be on my own terms.”

  It was more honest than he’d meant to be, but they seemed to have crossed that line now. Jack hadn’t anticipated things getting so heavy so quickly, and it felt as though he was making things up as he went. Never a good feeling. Jack was a planner.

  Tyler regarding him curiously. “Go on.”

  “I know you don’t want a casual relationship, and tonight might have seemed as though I was pushing for that. I wasn’t. I got carried away with everything and just wanted to touch you.” He glanced over at Tyler again to find him smiling this time. “But as hot as it was, I still felt weird afterwards.”

  There, he’d said it. He hadn’t mention Simon, per se, but the implication was there. He sat back and let Tyler mull it over.

  Tyler didn’t respond right away, but his smile had vanished as Jack expected. “You were with him for a good chunk of your life. It’s bound to be weird at first. I get that.” He glanced down at his hands. Studying them for a few seconds. “I’m a firm believer that the way to get rid of painful memories is to replace them with happier ones. And the best way to stop it feeling weird is to keep doing it.” He winked then and Jack laughed—relieved as some of the tension dissipated. “Seriously, though, if tonight was just sex for you, just about getting off, then I think you’re right. We shouldn’t do it again.” Tyler licked his lips, and Jack tracked the path of his tongue along his bottom lip.

  Was it only about sex? Jack could say yes and put a stop to this. Part of him wanted to. But a much bigger part wanted to jump in and grab it with both hands. He’d felt more alive this past week than he had since Simon left him. It wasn’t all down to Tyler; Jack had made the decision to go out last Saturday. He’d taken the first few steps to getting his life back together; no one had forced him. Well, maybe Zena had a little, but it had still been his choice. Giving up now because things weren’t going smoothly would feel too much like a backward step, and he was done with shying from life. “And if it wasn’t just sex?”

  “Then that’s not casual sex.” Tyler pulled one leg up onto the sofa, and Jack was struck with how young it made him look. “I’ll be honest with you now. I like you a lot. Probably more than I should this early on, but there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s not just sex for me, Jack. I want to get to know you. I want to find out your favourite foods and places to go—the little things that matter. I’m sure that’s making you want to run for the hills now, but that’s how I feel.” Tyler might look young, but his attitude and words made Jack feel like the immature one. “I know it won’t all be plain sailing. I’m not naive enough to think other issues won’t crop up, but I think we’ve established that there’s something between us worth pursuing.”

  Jack nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay? Is that an ‘okay, let’s do this’? Christ, I hope so, because I think I’ve had enough ‘feelings talk’ to last me a lifetime.” Tyler smiled, open and vulnerable, and Jack had the sudden urge to pull him in for a kiss.

  So he did. Fuck it. Tyler was right. He could let Simon ruin things for him again, or he could work through his issues and hopefully come out the other side.

  Tyler’s muffled mmph of surprise quickly turned into a soft moan as Jack pushed him back against the sofa. Tyler wrapped his arms around Jack’s back, holding him loosely, and Jack settled comfortably between his spread thighs. The sense of wrongness—no, that wasn’t quite right—the sense of difference—Tyler’s body was all lean muscle where Simon had been a little on the soft side, but it wasn’t wrong. It might take some time to adjust to the way he and Tyler fit together, but wasn’t that half the fun? Finding out what each liked, experimenting? Jack was so used to knowing exactly what turned his partner on in bed; the idea of learning all over again was both terrifying and exciting.

  They kissed slowly and lazily, neither one of them pressing for more, and Jack was so boneless by the time they came up for air that he could easily have closed his eyes and fallen asleep. Tyler was hard, his erection pressing into Jack’s stomach, and Jack was
well on his way, but he was far too comfy to do anything about it.

  Talking about feelings seemed to take more energy than sex, and they’d done a lot of talking tonight. Jack had never spoken so openly before, but as everyone kept telling him—communication was key.

  “God, I’m knackered.” Tyler yawned widely, proving Jack’s point, and laughed. “Sorry.”

  Tyler had his eyes closed, and Jack pushed himself up on his elbows, pausing to look at him. Tyler was lovely. The barely there lines at the corner of his eyes and the shadow of stubble added a sense of maturity to his youthful appearance. His hair lay in disarray, messy dark curls fanned out on the cushion. Jack reached up to brush a wayward strand off Tyler’s forehead, and Tyler’s eyes snapped open.

  Blue eyes stared up at him, curious, and Tyler said, “Okay?”

  Jack smiled and stroked his thumb over Tyler’s cheekbone. He let his fingers slide into Tyler’s hair and leaned in for another kiss. He kept it chaste this time, pulling away before he gave in to the urge to deepen it. “Yeah.” He swallowed, not wanting to move, but knowing he probably should. “It’s late. I ought to get going.”

  Tyler grabbed his hand and linked their fingers. “You can stay. To sleep,” he added when Jack started to pull away. “Like you said, it’s late. I don’t want you driving home if you’re tired.”

  As tempted as he was by Tyler’s offer, Jack needed space. He needed the quiet comfort of his own home and his own bed to get his head around everything they’d done and said this evening. It felt as though a lot had happened between them in such a short space of time, and Jack was afraid he’d panic at how fast they were moving if he didn’t step back and allow himself time to process. He shook his head. “I think it’s best if I go home.”

  Much to his relief, Tyler nodded and didn’t look offended by Jack’s decision. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m being selfish because you make a great blanket and I can’t be bothered to move.”

  Jack laughed, and something warm and content settled inside him. The easy way Tyler accepted that Jack needed to go—no fuss or fanfare—made him feel… he didn’t know, exactly. It was nice not having to explain himself, instead having someone listen to what he was saying and understand what he needed. Of course, he might be reading too much into it—Tyler could well be knackered and too lazy to move, but Jack thought it was more than that.

  With great reluctance he pushed himself up from the sofa, and the sudden absence of Tyler’s warmth made him shiver. Tyler yawned again and stretched, his T-shirt riding up and revealing the flat, toned stomach underneath. For a second, Jack thought about taking him up on his offer. The thought of falling asleep with Tyler beside him was tempting, but he forced himself to look away, and the temptation passed.

  Once he had his shoes and coat on, Jack walked towards the front door, with Tyler close behind him. He stopped before opening it and half turned to face Tyler. “Thank you for tonight.”

  “You’re welcome.” Tyler smiled and stepped closer, pulling Jack in for a quick kiss. He still managed to slip in some tongue, and Jack was breathing a little fast by the time Tyler pulled back. “Are you free this weekend?”

  Jack blinked and blushed when he realised he’d been staring at Tyler’s mouth. “Maybe Sunday. I’m going to my mum and dad’s for lunch, but in the afternoon or in the evening, I’m free. Is that any good?”

  “Yeah, should be. Text me, or call me and let me know what sort of time, and we can take it from there.”

  “Okay, sounds good.” Jack nodded and before things could get awkward, he smiled and pulled the front door open. “Night.”

  “Night, Jack.”

  With a wave, Jack walked out into the cool night and headed to his car.

  Tyler stayed in the doorway until Jack drove off, and Jack glanced in his rear-view mirror to make sure he’d gone back inside. He drove home with a smile, enjoying the looseness in his body that came from sex. It had been far too long since he felt this way, and he hadn’t realised how much he missed it. Not the release itself—he could get that on his own—but the closeness and intimacy of being with another person.

  Inevitably his thoughts turned to Simon. God, he wished it didn’t still hurt, wished he could think Simon’s name and not give a flying fuck about him anymore. But a small part of him—and thank fuck it was only small—felt what he’d done with Tyler had been a betrayal. Which was so ridiculous Jack couldn’t even find the words. But the heart was a traitorous beast sometimes, and no matter how much Jack longed to erase all feelings for Simon, some part of him stubbornly refused to let go.

  Fucking Simon.

  That was why he needed to go home. Thank God he wasn’t sleeping next to Tyler and having these thoughts. Tyler had an uncanny knack for sensing when Jack was thinking about Simon, and Jack didn’t think Tyler wanted to know anything that was going through his head right now.

  Finally he pulled into the car park behind his building, and then Jack had never been so glad to get inside his flat before. He should make more of the place or move out. Although it was good to be in his own space, it wasn’t homey. Jack couldn’t say he’d made an effort to make it his own; he’d been more concerned with getting away from the memories within their old house. That, and Simon had wanted his share of the money to buy somewhere new, so Jack had rented the first half-decent property he came across.

  He stood in the living area and looked around as though seeing it for the first time. The furnishings were the bare minimum and there were no pictures on the wall. He had some family photos dotted around but nothing else.

  Simon had been his best friend as well as his partner, and he missed that almost as much as he missed his lover. Maybe even more so if he was honest. On the rare occasions he stopped and thought about it in any depth, Jack realised that was what hurt the most. They’d been friends first. Jack had trusted Simon more than anyone, and Simon had taken that trust and stamped all over it as though it meant nothing. As if their years of friendship hadn’t warranted the respect that—

  Jesus Christ, he was doing it again. Jack stopped, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. None of that mattered now. Dwelling on it only upset him. Just let it go. He repeated it in his head until the vice grip around his heart eased. And after such a great night as well. Why did his mind keep going back there?

  His phone buzzed with a text and his smile was immediate when he saw Tyler’s name. As he’d said… uncanny. Jack thumbed open the message, thoughts of Simon already fading.

  Just making sure u got home ok. I know I wore u out earlier :)

  Jack laughed and hit Reply.

  Yep, I’m struggling to keep up, what with you being a whole 4 years younger than me.

  I’m sure it must be hard.

  Another message came in as Jack debated whether to reply with the obvious or not.

  But seriously, you’re home now, yes? I’d hate to think I’d made you text while driving.

  For a split second, Jack’s hackles rose—as if he’d be so bloody reckless—but then it dawned on him that Tyler was worried about him, and his ire retreated, replaced by a warmth in his chest. His smile was back, stretching into a grin as he responded.

  Yes I’m home now. Thanks for checking on me.

  No problem.

  I’ll see you Sunday then.

  Jack paused before hitting Send. He didn’t need to check with his parents; they would be happy to see him no matter how long he stayed. And he had the urge to get something sorted now. He added to the text.

  How about you come to me about 3ish on Sunday. If it’s nice we can go for a walk and I’ll cook you dinner later, return the favour.

  He hit Send. As soon as it delivered, Jack started having second thoughts. A walk? Was that lame? He had no idea. The weather had been lovely of late and Jack liked nothing better than to get out in the fresh air. But would Tyler want to do something more exciting than a bloody walk? God, he was so crap at this. Luckily his phone buzzed again, putting him
out of his misery.

  Sounds great. Shall I bring my walking boots?

  Jack grinned and ignored the fact he’d had a mini panic over nothing. Par for the course these days.

  Yes, bring them. I’ll find somewhere to make good use of them.

  Nothing too strenuous, I’m out of practice.

  It’s just walking. You do it every day.

  Funny. If you want me collapsed in a heap on the floor of your flat, then fine. Pick something steep and long.

  I’ve got something steep and long for you to climb, Jack typed, snorting, but he was far too chicken to send it. He quickly deleted the words before he could hit Send by accident, and instead typed Fine, I’ll go easy on you. Bring a waterproof too. Just in case.

  Will do. I’m yawning here, had a busy night tonight ;) So I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight.

  Night.

  Jack was still smiling as he stood and turned off the lights in the living room. He took a last look at the bare walls before heading to his bedroom and made a decision. This wasn’t a home, not for him anyway. It didn’t even have a garden, for fuck’s sake—Jack had loved the garden at his last house. He craved the outdoor space after days cooped up in the office. Not every day was like that, but some were, and to not have that escape when he got home was torture. How had he gone this long without doing something about it? Tomorrow he’d start looking for somewhere to buy, somewhere he could make his own and turn into a home to be proud of.

  How easy that decision seemed now, yet it had felt impossible to even contemplate for the last few months. He cleaned his teeth, humming as he brushed, his mind already making lists of things to look for, areas to consider. The idea of moving again filled him with dread, but at the same time, he felt a low burn of excitement starting in his belly.

  He’d turned the page, finally ready to begin a new chapter in his life.

  Chapter Eight

  Tyler packed his walking boots and waterproof coat as instructed, and arrived at Jack’s just after two-thirty. He parked on the street outside and sat in his car, debating whether to go inside or wait until nearer three o’clock. He hadn’t meant to be so early, but there was no traffic, and it had taken him less time to get to Jack’s than he’d anticipated. The digital clock on the dashboard went from 14:35 to 14:40 as he sat there, and then his phone rang, startling him. Jack’s name flashed on the screen.